Two weeks ago I wrote a blog that was so fraught with frustration and emotion that I was spent after it was finished. But it was about my mother, and had a little too much of my family business for me to feel comfortable posting it. I will one day though. I want to. I want to be able to tell the truth about how I’m feeling. But the truth has consequences. And if the consequences could be hurting my mother’s feelings, I can pass on posting it… for now. Anyway, I will move on. Because today I have something much more fun to talk about.

The Butterflies Are Back!

What does that mean, you ask? It means I’m in like. It means that there is someone in my life right now that makes me smile when I think of him. How fucking amazing is that? It’s not love–but I don’t want that right now. It’s fun and exciting–it’s good old lust and appreciation. It makes me a little tingly. There’s something about a strong man that makes me appreciate everything feminine about myself. It gives me butterflies. I wrote a poem once about missing the butterflies in my life. I can share it with you guys. Here we go:

The Jody Watley Blues (I’m Looking For A New Love)

So… 

I figured out that the butterflies are still there- they haven’t disappeared 
I see them everywhere 
When I’m with my friends and their partners, I breathe in the air of their love 
And realize that it comes with the high of romance, the elevation of friendship, the thrill of good sex 
I’m not at that altitude anymore… 
Mines is the atmosphere of peace and self-reflection- mines is the freedom of personal space 
Different but still good… I must say though- I sure do miss those butterflies 
I close my eyes and feel the flutter of their little wings, remember what it was like 
The thought doesn’t fill me with fear anymore… I think that means I’m ready 
The crushing blow of lost loves and broken hearts- my tears and screams scared the butterflies away 
Now when I see them over someone else, I miss what I shared, I miss what I felt 
I wish they’d come back to me… 
Lips that tingle, fast beating hearts, slow burning fire, weak knees…. that’s what the butterflies bring 
Anticipation in every dance, excitement in every breath, passion in every touch… that’s what the butterflies bring 
I wish they’d come back to me…

Forgive me if it’s not what you’re used to–poetry isn’t normally my thing. But that was how I felt back then. I was free from loving people, and liking people and having people step all over my feelings. I was at peace. But I sure did miss those butterflies. Anyway, fast forward a little bit and I try to get back into the dating game. It started off innocent… and then turned into a whole damn mess. I got lied to, rejected, slut shamed, jerked around AND Catfished. So I washed my hands of the whole thing. I told myself I was taking a break. I didn’t want to date. You guys know this. I wrote a couple blogs about it. My dating woes could make you laugh… if you weren’t me. So I walked away. And then something happened…

I’ve been knowing this guy a long time. He’s my friend. I’ve always been attracted to him, but we had all kinds of imaginary obstacles and then eventually one very real obstacle: he was in a relationship. I was cool. He’s my friend. I only ever want him to be happy. Plus, I gave up wrecking homes years ago (kidding). Anyway, so one day, he’s not in a relationship anymore. And now… there’s heat when I see him. I mean, in all my womanly parts. In my eyes, in his eyes. In the cot damn AIR when we’re around each other. And other people notice it too. Now, what I’ve always liked about him, and what made us good friends was our ability to talk. Now I can’t even talk without tripping over my speech and I’m thinking about his lips when I should be thinking about his words. And I have to keep my hands from grabbing him, and–well you get the idea. It’s so cool to feel this way again. I like this stage. It’s exciting. I feel hopeful, and lusty and full of smiles. Now I flirt constantly. Because it feels good again. Being in like will do that for you. Talk about conquering the world. Lol.

We’re not in a relationship. I don’t even know if we’re going to be. One, because he’s not ready and I don’t want to be his rebound girl. I don’t want to be anyone’s rebound girl. Second, because he lives in Philadelphia and I live in Maryland. The distance between us is not vast, but it’s enough. I don’t want either of us to have obligations we’re not ready for. I don’t want there to be pressure… on either of us. I like what we’re doing now. I like liking him, and flirting with him and getting all lusty when I see him. I like that this is easy. Easy is good. Because dating was so HARD. And I hated that.

I’m going to ride this wave as long as I can. What will be, will be. Maybe nothing, maybe everything. Maybe I’ll just have some harmless fun. Maybe I’ll fall in love. Maybe it’ll fall apart. Who knows? I think the best part is that I’m not afraid of it anymore, whatever it is. I am not afraid. I am so fucking ready… for whatever this is. The butterflies make me brave. They make me fearless. And I’m going to take this feeling as far as I can. I’m going to see him soon. We’ll have great conversation; we always do. Hopefully, I’ll be able to focus on his words and not my desire to suck on his bottom lip. But who knows? Maybe I’ll get my chance and we’ll save the convo for later.

After all… that’s what spring is for, right?