I’m beginning again… or at least that’s what it feels like. In my last blogs I was unfairly slut shamed- and then subsequently admitted to being a hormone-raged, bad decision making, overly emotional mess. So since I spent two blogs opening a dark place in my mind not previously seen in the light of day, and it was all the fault of dating, I think I will exhale on my love life for a while- and write about something else.

I’ve already written a couple of blogs about my weight- and how I struggle with it. The focus of those blogs was more in the vein of dealing with the way I see my weight- and what I want to do about it. I’m back to battling the bulge; I haven’t given up. But starting over in this way really opens my eyes to the way other people see weight- and how they can oh-so-sneakily project that onto you. Now I know I said I wasn’t going to talk about my dating life- and I’m not- but I saw a great example when I was exploring this dating site that I’m on, searching profiles. There were a couple of them where the guys would write in their profiles, “No big girls,” or “I’m sorry I don’t like big girls.” I get that everyone has a preference. I GET THAT. But when I read that, I was… confused. The purpose of being on the site is to find what you want- but you go out of your way to make sure that one of the things you put in your profile is what you DON’T want? That confused me. The other thing that was puzzling to me was that I’m sure the weight/ body type preference isn’t your ONLY preference. So if you insist on using profile space to talk about what you don’t want- why focus only on weight? That made me mad. I mean, it’s obvious I’m never going to date these men (which is fine with me), but weight gets such a stigma. It’s crazy and getting worse. Body type has become something either universally celebrated, or universally condemned. Now I’m not talking about just in jokes- people have been making fat jokes all my life. There probably isn’t one that I haven’t heard. But it just seems like it’s turning into something else. Another example. One of my trusted, inner circle, best friends was having dinner at my house- and was talking to one of her (guy) friends on the phone. This guy is on the same dating website, and when he was asked (by her) why he stopped logging in, he said that he was tired of only big girls talking to him. Of course, she has him on speaker, so I’m not too happy with his comments. I mean, it was crass- plain and simple. This is a professional, educated man- he could have simply said, “I didn’t find anyone I was attracted to.” and left it at that. But did he? NO. Just like the profile jerks, he decided to point out SIZE. Because size matters in a way that it apparently never did before. I’m not particularly fond of small penises- but do you see me wasting profile space talking about, “Don’t talk to me unless you’re eight inches or more?” NO!!! You know why? Because that’s crass, and rude- and that’s not what my profile space is for! But because it’s weight, then it’s open season, right? People can just say whatever the fuck they want. Oh. I see… BULLSHIT!!!

I’ve been trying to figure out why size matters so much- to everyone. I mean, if you know someone that you want to be healthier, then of course- I can see that. But if I’m just living my life, and you’re just living yours- why waste time slandering something you don’t like? I mind my business. I don’t take people’s constant gym tweets and “Abs Are Made In The Kitchen” Instagram photos personally- so why bother me? Why go out of your way to make sure everyone knows how much you hate people like me? Maybe to cover up the fact that you secretly like me? I don’t know. People will deny that, but I’ve seen it happen. As a plus sized girl, do you know how many guys I’ve met that wouldn’t walk down the street with me- but would fuck my brains out if they thought no one would know? Unbelievable numbers of undercover chubby chasers… yep, it’s true. My other theory is that some people just have to be the loudest voices in the room, no matter what. We’re living in an age where it’s more okay to be who you really are. So guys that may have been ashamed to tell their friends that they like bigger women, now say it pretty proudly. In the last few years, some of the sexiest voices in the world have called me “soft” with such reverence, lol. It’s kinda cool. But I’ve noticed that sometimes when you’re proud to say you like something, the people who don’t like it feel like they have to be LOUDER- so they seem better. But it’s not a competition. We don’t all like the same shit- that’s life. You don’t have to put something down to prove that you like something else. And trying to destroy something because YOU don’t like it, is childish- especially if it’s a person. Just do you. And leave my size alone.

I know I’m never going to be able to silence all the haters- so I won’t try. I mean, they’re pretty much everywhere. Social media has made these people even more accessible. I swear, the repost/ retweet era is ruining lives. People even have weight requirements for spouses they don’t even have yet!!! Talk about worrying about the wrong things! But it feels good to get these thoughts out of my head. They spin around, and keep me up, and contribute to my overall messiness. Not that my messiness isn’t still pretty profound, but you know…

It’s hard enough to keep a smile on your face when your confidence is shaky. It’s hard enough to find shit to smile about sometimes. I’ve been struggling. Cutting carbs is the hardest thing a french fry loving woman like me has ever done in her LIFE. But I do it- not to conform, and not because my size matters to other people. I do it because my size matters to ME. And not in the way you think. It doesn’t matter to me that I don’t wear two piece bathing suits; it doesn’t matter to me that my thighs rub together. It matters to  me that I take two pills a day for my blood pressure. It matters to me that I have a history of diabetes in my family. So my size matters to me because of that. But why in the hell should my size matter to you?