Baby Blues

So… it’s been a little while. I haven’t been watching as much TV lately, and maybe that’s the reason- but anyway, I’m back. And my newest thoughts have been leading me on the path to parenthood. I’ve been thinking about children pretty frequently (no I’m not pregnant). I’ve been wondering if motherhood is something I’m actually destined for. I’ve wanted kids for as long as I can remember but at 32, I’m still childless. Now, don’t get me wrong; I have plenty of children in my life. I’m an aunt ten times over, one of my best friends has four kids, and one of my other best friends is going to be a mother for the first time in 2013. So children are very much present in my life- and coming from a family where I have 21 first cousins, there are plenty of kids there too. But none of them are mine. And as much as I thought all of that biological clock shit was a bunch of baloney, I think I’m starting to hear mine tick.

Having kids was one of those things that I always just thought would happen to me. I mother everyone around me. I am the constantly worrying, nudge-you-in-the-right-direction, make-sure-you-eat-your-vegetables kind of girl. I’m kind of predisposed to taking care of people. So motherhood seems like a logical step for a personality like mine. Right? It makes me wonder why it hasn’t happened yet- and if it’s even meant to. I know that most of the time, these things are unplanned- you can’t map out your life completely. And I can certainly still have children. But there’s a small part of me that thought it would happen before this. Everyone I know says “take your time,”  “don’t rush,” or even “don’t do it.” But the heart wants what it wants… and I still want to be a mother.

Now, there is another part of me that is scared. I know too many young people (male and female) that are raising babies alone, or struggling to co-parent with an unwilling, immature person. I know people who secretly (and not so secretly) resent their children because they had them for the wrong reasons to begin with. I also know that the world is a violent, scary place- and even more so when children are involved. There are quite enough real life examples to make you stop and reconsider the parenthood journey- and I NEVER want a bad situation like the ones I just described, even though I know there are no guarantees in life. But even with all of that, I never stopped wanting it.

I’ve been waiting for the ideal situation. Now I’m not talking about the perfect situation- because there is no such thing- but the ideal situation. This means that I’d like to be in love, in a healthy relationship with someone sane and supportive that can actively co-parent with me. I don’t think it’s too much to ask- but sometimes people make me feel like there’s something wrong because it hasn’t happened yet, which feeds into my own worry that there’s something wrong because it hasn’t happened yet. The whole thing is kind of jumbled up in my head. All I can really figure out is that I’m totally jealous of people who are parents. The funny thing is, I know a lot of people who are jealous of me. And I’ve been trying to appreciate my life more, my journey more- to be fully in whatever space I’m in. And I don’t want God or the universe to think I don’t appreciate what I have now. It’s just that wanting something, thinking you deserve something sometimes throws your logic out of the window.

I don’t want to be obsessive about this. I don’t want to be one of those women who empty my bank account and drain myself emotionally trying to adopt, or get married, or artificially inseminate myself. If it’s not meant for me, I want to be able to love the children already in my life with all I have and accept that. But if it is meant for me… I want it to happen. Guess I’ll just keep walking my path- and hope that kids are on it…

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